Inventions I Am Working On

Not many of you know this, but in addition to being a fabulously talented writer and jewelry designer (in my own mind), I am also an inventor. Following the success of the iBra®*, I’d like to introduce you to some other ideas I’m working on.

The Bone Fone™ — get rid of your cell phone and your land line with this handy device, a phone embedded in your skull! Solar powered and completely voice activated. Never have to dial and drive again, or wear that geeky Blue-tooth enabled hardware. Guaranteed to be radiation free. (Actual test results may vary.)

UniBanc™ — When there’s only one bank, and in fact, one company, we can move to a truly cashless society. Take the ease of online bill pay and multiply it by, like, a million, with UniBanc’s new single-source “banking and everything else” service. Credit cards, utilities, checking, savings, CDs, paychecks, the vig on your gambling debts, you name it! Simply log on to your UniBanc account to access a gigantic ledger of credits and debits, click “okay” and you’re done! Never balance a checkbook again, and enjoy e-mail alerts to tell you when you’re running out of money. Users with exceptionally good credit have the option to pay bills late for exorbitant fees, just like in the old days!

Personal Barcode® — sure, tattooed ID numbers used to have a negative connotation, but imagine how easy your life will be if you no longer have to remember 75 different passwords and user IDs. Simply wave your own personal barcode, tattooed on your skin in the ink color of your choice, over your laptop scanner, and you’re logged into all your accounts at once. Never sit at your keyboard, typing endless variations of “sexydiva” and your toddler’s birthday again.

As you can see, simplifying life is one of my goals as an inventor—that, and bringing humankind one step closer to being at one with technology. Instead of getting a Roomba, be one! (“VacuLeg” patent pending.) As my husband can attest, I am all about efficiency. Why just this week, I found a way to eke another inch of space from the dishwasher through an innovative new “nesting” technique (some call it cramming). And while he thinks it’s gross to drink what he has dubbed “Hillbilly Brew,” I say using the coffeemaker every other day saves electricity! The natural antioxidants found in coffee cancel out any icky bacteria that may form in the unwashed pot.

When I’m not inventing or writing and abandoning a new novel every week, I also like to come up with marketing campaigns. A friend of mine is interviewing with a county forest preserve, and I was driving to her house the other day, passing all the lovely trees along the construction site, I mean highway, when I came up with “Got Wood?” Then I thought, gee, this could work for the Viagra people, too!

As if that’s not enough, I’m also working to improve our government. I recently came up with the Fat Tax. Sure, eat all the transfats you want, as long as you’re willing to pay the price (I propose 10 cents per gram). This goes for restaurants and consumers alike, and is sure to cut down on the high cost of obesity in this country.

I think I’ll have to get one of those handheld recorders to keep track of all the great ideas that pop into my head. Hey, what about a recorder embedded into your palm! “Talk to the hand” could take on a whole new meaning!


* The iBra—simply tuck your iPod into your bra while you’re working around the house, and never bother with that dorky black armband again. Men, if your cord is long enough, you can stash your iPod wherever you’d like. I just don’t want to hear about it.

For the Record

Wouldn’t it be funny if my husband and I got into a blog war, where I said on my blog that I wasn’t in the mood for sex, and he said on his blog that sex with me was a giant chore, too?

And then I could come back with, “Oh yeah, well you leave the cupboard doors open all the time.”

And he could say, “You leave stuff on the stairs where people could trip!”

“But you never do!”

“I did. Once.”

“Why were you walking on the outer-most corner of the stairs anyhow? If you’re so coordinated, you shouldn’t be tripping. And by the way, why do you think I’m melodramatic? That’s the single most hurtful thing you could ever say to me. Just because I’m emotional doesn’t mean I’m not genuine. I’m a writer—if I don’t have that, I have nothing. And I did not leave that sock on the stairs. Ian did.”

And so on. It would really clear the air, so instead of spending three days not talking to each other, we could spend the same three days insulting each other over the Internet! My trigger finger is itching already.

But, the truth is that having sex with my husband is really super-fun, as is having sex with me. In fact—and this is just a self-serving aside—I’m the best kisser in the world. It’s true. Somebody has to be, and it’s me. You might think it’s a shame that it’s not Jessica Alba or Justin Timberlake or somebody hot, but why should they get all the luck? I’ve tested my hypothesis, and everybody I’ve kissed always agrees. I’ll kiss you if you want, to prove it. As long as you have fresh breath and all of your own teeth.