The New Monday

If 40 is the new 30, is Wednesday the new Monday? Because if it’s that easy to shave 10 years off your age, we could just as easily remodel a few other things around here. The calendar, for starters. It’s a known fact that the only people who like Monday are employees of Oprah, who can reasonably start each week with the hope that their boss is going to give them something cool. Like a car or a smallish Pacific islands.

Following this line of thinking, a layoff can be termed a sabbatical, in which you finally get to take time for you and your life coach. A divorce can be the perfect opportunity to hone your web-surfing skills. It’s like writing your resume—it’s all in how you spin it. Hate to floss? Could not flossing be the New Flossing? File your taxes in October last year? Maybe procrastination could be the New Proactive! They both start with P. It won’t mess up the dictionary that much.

The only catch is that the New 40 is fleeting. True, you do wake up on your birthday and say, “Man, I look good! I should model for J. Jill!” Two years later, though, and the dew is off the rose and you are the New 42, also known as 75. Whereupon you realize that everybody your age looks younger than you, and you are now living the Dog Years, in which each single year ages you seven. This does not happen to the celebrity who shares your birthday and who appears all airbrushed in Vogue, but can’t possibly be airbrushed on David Letterman, because film is 24 frames per second, and there aren’t enough airbrushers to go around for that.

The New Monday, by contrast, is still dew-drop fresh, mostly because I just invented it, but also because … what’s the downside of a four-day weekend? Surely three days is enough time to spend with those annoying people at work, doing that annoying work-type stuff. Wednesday benefits, too. Instead of being Hump Day, the marker of the dreary interminability of the workweek, it’s now the poster child for extended free time.

Of course, there’s decreased productivity to worry about, eventually leading to a declining gross domestic product, as slacker-mode turns us from America the Beautiful into, say, Spain.* A country content to rely on the beauty of its thousand-year old architecture and the freedom to nap during the day. Also, some people (I guess) like their jobs and derive fulfillment from them, or—more weirdly—have an odd sort of work ethic that requires them to get things done. Like Starbucks baristas and volunteers for Doctors Without Borders.

On the flip side, the lives of dogs will improve during the reign of the New Monday. Two fewer days a week at Doggy Day Care, or less crate-time for you cheapskates out there. Cats might be freaked out and start pooping in the bathtub, though. They don’t like change.

Yes, the world can be a better place, and it’s pretty easy to get to. Just plug in your GPS and spin.

* I have a friend in Spain, so I am allowed to say this. She has a view of the Mediterranean from her window. Plus, in Spain you get to drink all the Sangria you want.