Meet My Patron, Bill Gates

“Hello, Bill? I was about to say, 'It’s me, Lisa,' but I know you have caller ID, if anybody does. Anyhow, I know you’re into charity and all that, so I was wondering if you and Melinda and the rest of the Foundation would like to sponsor me as a writer, while I work on a book?”

“Well, yes, I realize you’re working on fighting AIDS and poverty in third-world nations, but I know you love the arts. How? Well, I read you had digital 'paintings' that could be customized in every room of your house by the guests in them. You don’t? Yeah, that would have been cool, but I see what you mean about it being kind of tacky.”

“Anyhoo, I was thinking you could be my patron while I write, so I don’t have to feel guilty that I don’t have a real job, or a paycheck, or a chance of ever getting a paycheck, and then when I say I have to ‘work’ I won’t feel like I’m lying, or that people are giving me pitying looks when they ask how the book is coming. And also so that when I go to Starbuck’s to write, I don’t have to be distracted by the couple sitting next to me with their laptops unopened, who are clearly there not to work, but to have an affair. Plus, it would be a lot easier to pay for all those lattes if I had some income coming in.”

“Really? Wow! That’s generous of you. That’s a little more than I was thinking, but if that’s the number you have in mind, fine with me. It won’t take too much away from the Foundation and the AIDS treatment and the Malaria tents, will it? Tell you what, when I get a book deal, I can repay you out of the royalties. Or, here’s an idea -- . You know Steven, right? Maybe you could help me get an option on a movie adaptation, and then we could split the proceeds. 50-50!”

“To keep things on a professional level, I would give you weekly progress reports, and post chapters as I complete them for you to comment on. Just big-picture stuff. I don’t expect you to copyedit for me, heh heh. Not for what you’re paying me.”

“I do have a lot of good ideas! I guess that’s why I’m a writer. Maybe next time you need a TV ad written for Microsoft you can come to me instead of Jerry Seinfeld. That one didn’t pan out too well, did it? Don’t worry, for every viable idea I have, I have a drawerful of duds. We creative people are like that.”